Every now and then it hits me that I am no longer able to ever come close to ‘normal.’ What the fuck ever ‘normal’ is anyway. I hate it that this is me. Everything that I used to be is gone. I feel jealous all the time and it’s really frustrating. I don’t care what other people do with themselves. I don’t care how they waste their time. Isn’t that what we are all really doing anyway? Just wasting time? What do I care how you choose to waste the precious hours you have on this plane. Isn’t that what it all boils down to? Hours?
When you are but a breath away from death your whole life flashes before your eyes. Really? Because a breath isn’t that long a time. In that quick lapse of time, that millisecond, that one muscle spasm, you saw you whole entire life? Or did you just see the few things that stuck with you in one blurred pull of a film strip?
I get jealous over flip-flops. Fucking flip-flops. I get jealous when I see someone hop down from a curb or jog up stairs or hold their kids hand while they cross the street. I try so hard not to see but I can only be so blind and so deaf to the world around me. I exist and others exist around me; therefore, I cannot dismiss what I am, what I am not. Everyday I have to acknowledge the truth of my fucking life and I just fail to see the point.
I wish this had never happened to me. I wish I had done more in my old life. I wish I had experienced more and enjoyed more and appreciated more. I wish I hadn’t been such a cynic. I wish I hadn’t been such a pessimist. It’s dumb to think that way but what is wrong with admitting all your thoughts? Just because it’s not ‘appropriate’ to regret or cry about your “I wishes” doesn’t mean you don’t still feel them and I feel them every day. I have to fight them every day and it is getting difficult again.
I wonder sometimes if my pessimism and cynicism had somehow saved me. Imagine the fall, the blow, the devastation that would have befallen me if I had any hopes of accomplishing anything other than living to retirement age and raising my kids to be decent adults.
I’ll never be close to what I was in my old life. I wasn’t ‘normal’ but at least I could use the fucking stairs, hold my kids’ hand/s and bear hug them while threatening them with kisses if they didn’t tell me ‘I love you mommy.’
I wasn’t prepared for this.