It’s so exciting…not it’s not. I’ve been trying to leave the house for about a week now. It hasn’t happened yet. I need to buy my oldest son Skas some new shorts for summer but every time I think about the store I get flustered and I feel my cheeks burning up starting from my neck. The tip-top of my head feels all tingly and my chest is like one rapid beat on a drum. My breathing is erratic and my left body just wants to remain rigid and unmoving.
I have no idea what I’m going to do! When I do think about the store and going through the aisles, browsing, a number of worries go through my head. What if I fall? What if I get stuck walking next to another kid that really feels it’s absolutely necessary to bounce that $2 ball in the aisle directly behind me? I’m kind of tired of yelling at other people’s kids. And the parents just stand there like, “What is her problem?” Tap your foot one more time lady and I’ll swipe my cane under your feet so quick you’ll think it’s an intervention from God instead of a cranky freaked out cripple.
I think of my crazy arm getting stuck in yet another clothing rack or a finger hooked on one of those hang-fold shelving units…it’s happened before. It’s very embarrassing. I think of when I first came home after everything was out of me, baby included; I was so convinced that I could push my way through anything and get better. But then I just started failing and I lost whatever it was keeping me going forward. I can’t keep pushing through; I’m too weak and tired. I’m so tired. So I keep putting off clothes shopping for Skas. I’ll have to go eventually, it’s getting really hot outside and he grows like a weed…no….like a….hmmm…he’s tall for 5 but not skinny with a bobble head, how’s that?
Tomorrow is one of my last days to keep putting off this appointment. I need to renew my clinic card so I can get my meds and, you know, not seize out. There’s another reason for my recent fits of attacks. I just got my booklets for Medicare. It’s SO expensive to have insurance! I can’t even read the paper work! I cry within minutes because I just can’t absorb the information. If I had zero goals whatsoever, I’d say eff it and just stay on my local hospitals indigent care program. But I don’t want to stay poor so I have to figure this out and just this brief little explanation is sending my heart slamming into my chest and my stomach twisting into my intestines. <<<I hope that’s not a real thing (lol?). I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision. I literally cannot afford to make anymore wrong or bad decisions. This is where it would have come in handy to say:
Hey, doc, you know, you are so right when you suggest I take a pill for my anxiety.
Silly me for being stubborn and saying ‘no’ to taking yet another pill every day. Thick-skulled people…we just don’t like to say “yes.”
Because it’s someone who can potentially affect my current medical stability in a negative way I have to go sober meaning I cannot calm myself down in my normal and cost-effective way. That freaks me out. I really hate dealing with people when I’m sober. People are so dumb and judgemental and they have eyes that see things they have no business looking at…like me. Don’t look at me; I should not be of your concern. And when you stare, my left body reacts even though it can’t see.
It’s my Keppra. It’s so damn expensive. I cost my county an average of $500/month because of my 3 prescriptions. Why is it so expensive? I’d think anticonvulsants are more a necessity than a privilege. Why is it priced like a privilege? I could probably afford my migraine medicine on my own. But the Keppra? That’s a little shy of $400/month alone! It only costs me $5 right now, really scared of the coming jump in price. Like really scared. How will I give my kids anything more than bare necessities when I have a hard price always hanging over my head? I’m really unsure of the future. Like really scared. I don’t have a clue how ACA will help me. What if Obama really goes through on this whole Chained CPI thing and my disability benefits are dropped? What if the GOP tells people like me to eff off like they are wetting their pants in their premature excitement to do? What if they really cut SNAP? How will I feed my kids dinner? What if I lose housing because of the sequester? What will happen to us? It’s all very overwhelming; this is just the tip of the iceberg.
And people say, “Well, you have money for pot and internet, what are you complaining about? Obviously you’re not struggling.”
We are struggling. Every day we are struggling. I have internet because I was going to college when I first reworked the house budget after I had Boonshka so I worked hard to keep it in the budget and it’s not the first thing on the list to cut when we really can’t afford it anymore since I’m no longer in school. I go without so many things so we can keep toilet paper in our house, have a little bit of gas in the car and I’ve had the same toothbrush for six months…I’d really like a new one. No one in this house gives up as much as my husband though. He uses his deodorant until the plastic inside the stick starts gouging out his armpits (I have to use a gel because of how I put my shirt on; I have yet to find a decent one-handed way to put on my shirts without smearing deo all over it). He hasn’t had a new pair of boxers in a very long time. His mom bought his newest set of socks for him. She also gives us extra gas cards and diapers when she can afford to do so. It’s helped us save up enough for Skas to get some new shorts, I just have to leave the house and pick some out for him.
I wish things were different but they are not and the government wants to make it worse. I know people say “Oh, but you won’t quit smoking pot?” You know what? No, I won’t. I take 6 pills a day…SIX. Do I really need to take more? I already cost the county enough money, must I add to my debt by taking more legal drugs with worse side effects? I shouldn’t have to when a couple tokes solves my problem altogether or lessens it so much so that I can function somewhat normally. If it were legal in my area at least medicinally, I wouldn’t be paranoid leaving the house with a mild buzz and could smoke a bowl beforehand.
This isn’t about politics anyway, not on this blog. Although, I have seriously considered starting a new blog solely for my political opinions. Would anyone really want to hear the views of an all around 47%er? I highly doubt it. My people though not rare or anywhere near extinct, are seldom heard regardless of the ‘fact’ that we are allegedly the cause of all of our country’s downfalls. We all know the truth, though, don’t we?
I have to go tomorrow to that appointment. It’s not an appointment, you just go in and take a seat but still… I’m down to my last week of pills and once I’m out it’s kind of risky. I don’t want another grand mal followed by forgetting my kids names and sleeping for two days straight. No thank you.
Now, I must go ‘zen out’ and focus on growing some balls so I can get this done tomorrow. I’m going to need some good sleep tonight so I won’t wake up freaked out again like I did this morning. Really getting tired of my own ridiculous behavior.