Sometimes, I just really feel that things would be better off if I had died that day on the floor between my bedroom and bathroom doors with my 3 year old my only witness. I go over the struggles I’ve been through since that day over two years ago and I can list many reasons why I’m glad, happy, to have survived but then there are times where I know my personality has been altered in all of the wrong ways. I hate myself so much sometimes and I have nothing to stop these thoughts and make me realize that I am a person worth appreciating. I’m really not; I’m really, really, not a person that should be appreciated. Kasper is right…I am wrong. I am wrong for this family, wrong for our kids and wrong to be alive. I should have died that day.
He doesn’t understand. No one will ever understand. I’m not allowed to complain because then I am only “wallowing in [my] own self-pity.” I’m not allowed to feel because all of my feelings are exaggerated and extreme and they make no sense to anyone but me. I’m not allowed to give in to any struggle because that is accepting defeat and “giving up.” I have not given up…not entirely. My moments of motivation are lacking in expansive time frames. Everything is minimal, everything must be cut short so that the gaps between levels of understanding are not corrupted by an abundance of stale air. Kasper will never understand. My kids will never know me. They will never know me and that hurts me so much. I wanted to be such a positive influence for my kids. I had so much to teach them…so much to tell them that differed from everything I had grown to know. I wanted to tell them that small things don’t matter unless you blend them into the bigger picture. Never take anything for granted. Appreciate everything because you will never know when everything is gone. Take a walk for a change of pace and scenery. Never be afraid to slow down or look at the sky or take a moment to reflect on your last moment; did you enjoy it enough? What about it stopped you from taking it in closest to your heart?
I am so very sad. Without death to take me I have only shame. Without death to wake me I am only a viewer with a sleepy mind on the lives of others. I am so very sad.