Negative Nancy

   My apologies for not having written a post in a while.  I’ve actually been busy and my schedule has changed dramatically.  I have a lot to vent, brag and discuss but I find myself with little to no time to do this in.  Right now, I am in the midst of avoiding a mental and emotional break down and I have not a soul to talk to.  My husband took our oldest, Skas, to the park and Boonshka is in his room screaming to come out from a nap he never took while I selfishly indulge in this moment of “me” time that is basically just me struggling to avoid the crying and hoping mightily that Kasper and Skas are gone just long enough for me to type out what I can with just enough time to dry my face and squelch the ache in my chest.
   It really does seem like nothing can go right on its own.  Anytime I feel a sliver of hope in one area of my life something must come along and leave dirty little hoof prints on a completely separate area of my life.  As a woman and a person, I’d love for some other area to feel those hooves for once, giving me a break; but, as a mother and in this instance, I want those hoof marks back on me.  The path karma has chosen to take while relieving pressure on my current state of personal affairs has left me stranded and hungry for answers in my maternal persona.  Why must fate force us on these paths?  If I was a praying woman, I would pray but I am not and I must seek my answers and guidance elsewhere.  I was positive, oh so positive, all last week and one by one, pieces fell away from me.  
  I started therapy, both physical and occupational.  It feels amazing to return.  It feels so great to get my muscles moving with the proper hands at my side again.  I felt encouragement; I felt positivity wash over me as I saw Hope stand just before me with her arms open, waiting to embrace me and walk with me on my renewed journey to a proper ‘recovery.’  I cannot even list everything in the correct sequence because this is so hurried but Hope soon left me.  My therapy has been reduced after only one week; my neurologist set me up for despair upon our first meeting and my little Boonshka…I must make room for defeat in the shaping of his own future physical well-being.  As I have said, so very much has happened.
  Boonshka has been seeing a speech and physical therapist.  I felt he was improving because he has started saying so many new words and even though he hasn’t started to say more than two words at once, I felt it was a good thing that he started to pronounce his words more clearly.  Apparently, that’s not correct.  His right foot is still tight but he moves his toes and he’s walking more confidently, falling less.  I thought these were good things.  Apparently, while I was focusing on his right leg, I failed to notice his right arm.  He doesn’t use it.  I have so many questions and all I receive are shrugs.  He is not like me, he is not hemiparetic but they said two years old is too young for:

  • picking which hand is dominant (rightie or leftie)
  • mimicking a physically disabled parent – especially when there are perfectly able-bodied persons around him daily.

What does this mean?  Unfortunately, I don’t really know and neither do his therapists and main case worker (an early childhood development specialist).  They shrug a lot and talk a lot to each other while nodding at the things I say and ask.  There is weakness in his right side and they think my little boy has had a stroke.  It may have been minor but as a stroke survivor myself, no stroke is minor but as a parentno stroke will ever be small when it comes to my babies.

He has a neurology appointment in February so I will be pushing for an earlier appointment before then now that there may be evidence of a bleed (minor or not).  I’m very…panicky inside and now I am fighting with grinding teeth to keep from breaking down.  Kasper acts indifferent about this and I wish for that ability but that is all I can do, wish.  
For me, I am tired.  I am trying to be positive about my new therapy, I love this facility but my new neurologist had made a comment in passing about it having been two years since my bleed with so little improvement and she said a few other things but…I’m not sure I can think about it right now.  I am so very tired.  It takes so much energy to avoid these things.  Also, I am trying to become re-acquainted with ‘the outside world.‘  It is so scary out there and people are so careless and reckless.  It’s disturbing to someone like myself.  But I will make this and I will be strong for my boy/s.  I will also find it within myself to remain positive…somehow.  I can’t give in to the “what’s the point?” thought that is the golden thread of my mind whenever I set out to achieve something, anything.  I have so much about myself to retrain and that is one thing this stroke has definitely awakened me to: the opportunity to retrain things lost and to gain things I chose to overlook – like being a decent person, for instance.


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