As expected my mom totally accepted everything I said, said I didn’t care how she felt followed by an “if that’s how you feel” type of statement. I’m pretty sure I shredded that bridge before I burned it! I don’t think she fully grasps what I have been trying to explain to her. Sure, I have a terrible way of expressing myself and being direct about my point but it’s in there! You just have to pay attention. If you love someone, respect them, have loyalty to your relationship then you will take the time to pay attention. The e-mail I sent mother yesterday was not the first; no, so I can see how, if it came suddenly out of nowhere 20-something years after the incident and with no stroke or outed secrets to provoke, yeah “you need help” is correct. But no. I had my stroke, she told me secrets, those secrets were added up with my history and BAM! I had this cocktail of bullshit that was bubbling over onto my hand. I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t swallow it like I had done for years, that was no longer an option (thank you big rupture in my brain for destroying that blissfully ignorant piece of my mind). I actually had to deal with this unstable thing in my hand and so I tried. I cried, I screamed, I contemplated suicided…this whole thing with my mother just compounded everything a ‘normal’ stroke survivor has to deal with. We, as survivors, we lose friends, family members, jobs, ways of life. It can be hard to cope with. Now add a new disability, add a list of disabilities. Now, let’s add the fact that our minds function differently. We intake our information differently, we break it down different and we express our reaction and responses differently. These things aren’t learned over night. These are things we have to accept, adjust to, and sometimes mourn over. Sometimes it forces us to not only reevaluate our lives but our values, and, oh _______ have mercy it is just TOUGH. Relationships change every day but how does your relationship with others become affected when the relationship you have with yourself is changed?
My mother thinks my e-mail was about Krank Ficken and what he did to me. I guess, I have to admit, if it was the only e-mail I had sent it could come across that way. But when you add up the other e-mails and conversations since my stroke you would know that, no, it is not about only that. My goal is not to direct her life but to point out how her decisions affect others in her life. People are gross all the time, it’s their right and maybe I’m old-fashioned or selfish but I just think that:
If a man molests, drugs and rapes your daughter, it would be in everyone’s best interest to keep that man out of your life.
Like I said, maybe I’m old-fashioned.
The questions in my e-mail weren’t new, they were repeat questions with new statements around them. My e-mail, I felt, highlighted how I felt she had avoided the questions I felt I deserved answers to and left me dangling in the wind to ponder my own suspicions. Am I crazy? Probably so. But am I wrong?? I honestly don’t know! If my questioning her relationship to my childhood rapist was out of line, she never said before. Her responses have been evasive over the years and that can drive a person mad! Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t want my nieces and nephews hurt, I don’t want my mom to go through the discovery of his abuse again; I don’t want my mom to be in love with the man who took everything precious away from me.
My mom’s response yesterday was one of acceptance of my demolishing our relationship since it was based on flippant dismissals of my feelings and formalities between grandparent and grandchildren have grown incredibly weak and far too distant for the ‘caring me-me’ she claimed to be. I can’t handle lies, I just can’t. She did not acknowledge any of my questions, quick to toss away any concerns. She did not defend herself, did not attempt to correct me and said I was crazy (I will give her the crazy because…I dwell and that makes me crazy).
I lost my mother yesterday and I will not apologize for it. If this was ‘no big deal’ and I was ‘blowing it way too far out there’ then why has she still not answered my questions? Sure, it’s none of my business..if I wasn’t her daughter or if we were talking about some random guy with a suspicious past but no, we are talking about a man who molested and raped me as a kid. I think that deserves a little more consideration than what she believes.