The Polite, Frugal Smoker

Ok, I have got  to vent about my neighbor before I drive myself crazy.  This guy, we’ll call him Marvel – because he’s in love with super heroes. It would probably piss him off to find out I named him Marvel when he’s more into D.C characters (LOL). This guy drives me so nuts but I can’t complain about him to my husband because that’s his friend as well as our neighbor and his son is our oldest son’s friend (one of the few).  The other thing is that he is also a smoking buddy of ours so some of the complaints I have about him are completely inappropriate for places like Facebook.  Plus, I’m not a huge fan of talking smack about people to people who don’t know each other.

   I think I described before that I was raised by a sort of end-of-the-era pair of hippies, except they weren’t hippies at all.  I’m 31 years old and I just barely found out my mom is actually a conservative and my former step dad (Krank Ficken) is more similar to a libertarian of the Ayn Rand version rather than the neo-libertarian of the Rand Paul variety which base their ideologies around Christianity (kind of opposite of Ayn Rand, ya?)  ANYWAY they can’t possibly be hippies, can they?  Maybe; maybe not but smoking bud was a huge deal to my family 4558471283a6840769044land my mom and Krank Ficken taught us some manners when it came to social smoking.  Some people believe there are commandments of sorts dca86a0aa62f125a1b5bc0e9fcc985f5while people like myself just want respect and old school etiquette.  A quick jump through this example of commandments I posted will explain why I don’t believe in these silly things and I’ll add what my parents taught me where I can, plus some:

  1. Golden rule applies to everything, why is it even listed?
  2. A.) My left hand doesn’t work; B.) most people are right-handed; I always pass to the right, this isn’t f*cking poker.
  3. Not very polite to spark what you roll if you invited company.  My parents always taught us sparking a joint for someone in your home is like offering a dinner guest the first piece of pie. It’s just what you do…to be polite. Exemption could be if you are just a sh*tty roller and that first toke is all paper.
  4. You have every right to complain if someone wants to smoke you up with some bunk, dirt bud in hopes of you smoking them out with your premium green; true friends are always honest with each other.  Although, it is best to be polite about someone’s low-grade herbage. However, never be afraid to share knowledge of quality bud.  What kind of sticky is good or bad (nobody likes that flat sticky bud that clogs your pipe and is impossible to smoke in a joint; seriously was it sprayed with diesel or something?).  
  5. You can turn down a toke…let’s not peer pressure each other here. That’s just ridiculous.
  6. ALWAYS HONOR MEDICAL PATIENTS.  This is new.  Growing up this was unheard of, or it was so underground it was unheard of.  I will agree to this and add it to my own list of etiquette that I follow myself.  Proper information, not confusing research from recreational use with research of medicinal use is important in this new ‘pot’ culture.  There are a lot of old folks that have been waiting to be liberated from the constraints of prohibition and then there are those waiting for noobs to go around f*cking sh*t up like a bunch of Amish kids during Rumspringa.  Let’s not give those old folks fuel to keep this fire from burning.
  7. Ok, maybe this pic is overdoing it...or under-doing it?
    Ok, maybe this pic is overdoing it…or under-doing it?

    This is etiquette and it applies.  Smoke out those who smoke you out.  It’s returning the favor and it’s neighborly.

  8. I love that they used the word cashed.  It’s the word I use and people always look at me funny.  I guess this applies if you are sharing stashes: I load this one you, get the next one.  But it’s impolite to pass a cashed bowl to someone who can’t refill it.  If you are the one hosting, it’s your responsibility to make sure that bowl can make it back around to you (depending on your supply, of course).
  9. Let’s just skip these last two because some people shouldn’t be near a radio and who the f*ck cares about 4:20? Some people have jobs, kids homework to help with, dinner to cook.  It’s not convenient for enough people to have this as a commandment, let’s get real.

So what’s not on this list are some of the most important rules of etiquette when it comes to social smoking.  Let’s start with the obvious:

  • Puff, puff, pass.  Seriously, this is rule number one, okay?  A lot of times the first hit is weak, take another.  The second half of this is where Marvel fails.  This POS will hold until it burns out, light it and let it burn again.  That is just wasteful and if I or my husband is supplying, you better pass that sh*t along!
  • Rules for the pipe/bong:
    -Don’t leave your old stank breath, stale smoke in the chamber, shank or stem.  That’s just nasty for the next person.
    -Don’t leave your spit all over the mouthpiece, that is equally disgusting
    – Don’t let the cherry burn out, it’s chars the bud in some cases and makes it useless, like trying  to burn old coal in a fire, it’s difficult to relight; if anything, push your fingertip or bottom of your lighter into it to snuff it out.  Also do this if the bud starts to puff out like a bush, again let’s not be wasteful.
    -If you are the supplier don’t put seeds and stems in the bowl.  It smells nasty, tastes gross and hurts when the seeds pop open in your face.
    -Don’t smoke your resin in the same pipe you share with your friends; that’s just disgusting.
    – Last rule for pipes and bongs: lighter stays with the pipe; don’t pocket it (we used to call this ‘ganking’) or you will be withheld from lighting the bowl on your own ever again.
  • For rolling/smoking joints:
    -Limit stemmage.  It burns the throat and if it tears through half way through smoking, that just sucks.  You have to reroll which means you’re going to get ash on your fingers and that cherry that turned into a chunk of charcoal is not going to work in a clean joint; you might as well just roll all your roaches together now (not always a bad thing) or you have to patch it which wastes an entire paper.
    -If you have a run or discover a corner coming loose or need to lick/spit on the joint for any reason, please, for the love of bud, don’t leave a huge saliva bubble on the thing I’m fixing to put near my mouth.
    – Be polite with your smoke.  For this, my parents told me there is one rule every smoker should always follow regardless of what it is you are actually smoking.  Blow your smoke UP.  Look, guys, let’s be honest, our breath is not always ripe like fresh  roses but sometimes putrid like the water growing fur in the bottom of the vase that forgotten rose was left in. Plus, it’s smoke; it’s warm and gray and gross.
    -Don’t pass a joint that has an inch long ash on it.  It’s rude; especially, if you’re the one with the ashtray or closest to the window.
  • Random add-ons:
    -If someone helps you hook-up it’s polite to pass a bud along.
    -If someone passes a bud along, it’s polite to offer to smoke it with them (we all hope they turn it down) unless there is some other pre-arrangement.
    -Don’t buy sacks that are mostly seeds or have big stems or come in thick baggies with zipper seals (that’s all just added weight and you just got screwed)…don’t sell sacks like that either.
    – Be mindful of others’ rules and environments if you are a guest, even if you are supplying.
  • Lastly but not least important: Don’t linger. Just because you smoked bud together doesn’t mean you are welcome to stay for hours on end.  No one likes a linger-er.

Now these are pieces of etiquette I was taught and follow and I’m sure I missed a few; they are not set in stone anywhere and were only meant to keep my sister and I from becoming rude, mooching assholes.  This guy, Marvel, he follows none of these rules; not even one.  It’s so frustrating! Am I supposed to tell this dude, “Hey, get some pot smoking manners, bro!” What kind of people raised this guy?  And he hangs out for hours and hours and I give Kasper that look, the one that says “Hey, tell this f*cker to go home” and he doesn’t say sh*t! What’s worse is that this guy thinks he knows every damn thing and no; no dude, Obama is NOT ‘microchipping’ us through Obamacare.  No; no dude, if he was trying to “put us in this system, this electronic network so everyone is registered” um…he’s a little late because I got a social security number after I was born.  I’ve been in this ‘system’ since birth, you freak. I talk about my stroke and he’s going to tell me what happened and all this crap he knows absolutely NOTHING about? Whatever…this guy thinks the world would be better if we put God back in schools.  Yeah, because religion has solved all the problems in all the countries that have God in school (by law), right?
I don’t know how to tell my husband I can’t stand this guy.  I’m not the type of wife that doesn’t want her husband to have friends.  In fact, I’m quite the opposite.  I’m more an introvert and recluse than anything.  I don’t like big, crowded public spaces and I like to be by myself with my many one-person hobbies that include no one but me.  It’s much easier for me to distract my children so I can do my own thing than it is to make sure Kasper is busy enough to not feel abandoned by me or like I chose hobbies over spending time with him. I want Kasper to have friends and go do whatever friends do together. Marvel’s a nice guy, yeah, but damn annoying.  Nothing gets through to him.  He’s always scheming for ways to get quick money like buying PS3s and loading them with movies to sell for like a $100.  That’s a really dumb and illegal idea that will cost you a lot of money in the end.  I don’t see a win in that at all.  He has an opinion on everything and if it’s something you are actually incredibly informed on, you’re still wrong in his eyes because “I’m telling you, I know,” and he always has some really dumb reason for why he knows.
See why I had to vent here and not Facebook or to Kasper?  My husband’s friend is an idiot.  He even tried to say all this crap about my kid like how he’s intelligent and advanced in so many ways “except in this way and that way.”  Dude, don’t insult my kid to me.  If you think your kid is smarter, when he can’t even count to twenty, keep it to yourself okay?  I don’t rub it in your face that my near 3 year-old can count to 20, say and identify his alphabet and letters as well as all of his shapes, when yours can’t read or even spell CVS. Plus, I’m not naive. You can’t hide an insult inside of an empty complement; it’s unflattering to my intelligence.


2 thoughts on “The Polite, Frugal Smoker

  1. I see you’ve had a stroke and one of my biggest questions that doctors aren’t answering is “is it safe to smoke marijuana after a stroke?” What have your doctors told you? Have you experienced the high any differently? I’m sorry if my question is too personal I ask because I smoked before my stroke due to my anxiety disorder & numerous health reasons and since my stroke the only answer I’ve gotten from a neuropsychologist is to wait till my brain fully heals. I’d appreciate your insight on this topic


    1. Well, I’ve been smoking since I was about 13, I am now 31. I started smoking again about 7 months after my stroke. They said to wait 2 years for cigarettes which I never picked up again. It takes the brain roughly 2 years to do most all of its healing, cigarettes double that time. The high is different and because I buy off the street every high varies. I do get light-headed more now when I smoke so I take smaller hits and don’t hold in for as long (I am now prone to seizures). I keep all of my doctors informed on my habits such as smoking and not one has ever told me to quit, just to not “go crazy” and get “out of [your] mind stoned.” One doctor even recommended I invest in vaping (using a vaporizer) to limit seizure risk. That’s about it. No negative reactions from my GP, Neurologist or Neurosurgeon… Kind of a ‘use at your own risk’ type of deal.


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