Experimentation and deductions

download I’ve been smoking pot more than half my life now and I have to quit.  I’ve done it before and it’s been difficult each time.  I thought this time would be rough but it’s just tough, not rough.  Do you get the difference between the two terms?  Maybe not.
Kasper needs to find a job.  I don’t need him here with me every day anymore.  I am strong enough physically and both our boys go to school now.  I can do a lot on my own now, too.  I workout every day, I clean and cook and do all stages of laundry.  I am even strong enough to move furniture on my own when I want to wash the floors.  My biggest problem is that our mop is better used with two hands.  I need a mop I can use; so I don’t wash the floors anymore.  I also don’t clean the bathroom.  It’s really tough cleaning the bathroom in a way that doesn’t involve dragging my left, useless arm through everything disgusting or toxic.  I guess I could create some sort of sling or something.
I had a grand mal seizure last July and things took a while to get back to what is my version of normal.  I had waves of dizziness that came out of nowhere.  Sometimes I’d start having a panic attack and those can be really horrible when you don’t know what is causing them.  It’s all white, everything is white and it’s like riding a black wave inside of it. I Think of sound vibrations.  Like, the air moves on a ripple but it’s inside your head and throughout your body and it’s just really uncomfortable because nothing is going in the same direction.  I saw my neurologist to talk about this but the dick would barely listen to me he was in such a rush to leave. What kind of doctor is that?  I didn’t even get to tell him about my nightly “episodes.”
I thought what was happening, and I’m going to be super honest here so bear with me, I thought I was getting too stonedgasp2panel.  This was terrible! I kept my suspicions to myself though.  I didn’t even tell Kasper what I was thinking.  I just knew that every night we’d smoke a joint or three and within 30 minutes of falling asleep later, I’d wake up with a heavy left body, white waves slamming around inside my head and breathing at a fast rate.  Naturally, out of fear of having a seizure or another stroke (I’m paranoid of both for obvious reasons) I’d see what type of movement I had with my left body.  Usually it would be heavy and slow but if the movement is there I know I have little to worry about.  Then I’d work on my breathing.   Take deep breaths, exhale slowly; control it.  Then I’d lay back down and try to go to sleep.  Usually I’d wake up again once, sometimes twice, before I would be able to sleep through the night.
I didn’t want to admit I thought it was the herbage.  I didn’t want to quit.  It helps me in so many other areas of my life that the idea of quitting would bring on a mild panic attack.  I’m a huge supporter of legalizing recreational but most especially medicinal. Anyone with brains and access to Google knows it’s safer than just about any damn pharmaceutical out there.  I mean, it’s obvious why it’s not legal everywhere to be used medicinally.  It’s natural, easy to produce and harvest, and really anyone can take it without worrying about harmful side effects.  What pill can do this too?  Not even Tylenol has this same level of safety. The pharmaceutical industry would shrink to a little tiny store at the end of the strip mall rather than continue on as the Mall of America sized132-1333468390 bullshit corp. we know it as today. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, who would want to pass that up and let a bunch of sane-minded, health conscious hippies take over?  It certainly won’t be the guys in the suits wanting that.
Yeah, I take pills for migraines and yeah they work, but I only need a half dose (1 pill) if I smoke a bowl with it.  The full dose (only allowed 2 pills within 24 hours) gives me diarrhea, abdominal pain, dry mouth and long-lasting lethargy and sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even eat.  I take pills to prevent seizures for a “non-epileptic convulsive” disorder.  These pills totally messed with my appetite, my emotions, my patience and temper and behavior for the first six months of taking them.  Six months, guys! That’s insane.  We called them my angry pills because for at least the next two hours after every dose I would be extremely pissed off, emotional, aggressive and sometimes severely depressed.  And to find out that these particular meds are the weakest and most mild of anticonvulsants out there?  Imagine my surprise.  Needless to say, the meds are fully integrated into my system so I’m no longer so messed up by them but it’ll take a while to wean myself off of these meds because guess what?  Not taking them can actually cause seizures and not because I’m prone to them but because it’s just a side effect of them.  People take anticonvulsants to lose weight, some other variations help control depression and anxiety and they all can cause seizures.  It makes no sense.  CBD’s are known to help prevent seizures regardless of form; whether you take the capsule, use a vaporizer, edible or even the oil, it doesn’t matter.  As long as it’s the CBD which does not, I repeat DOES NOT contain the “fun” ingredient THC.  Look it up, it’s all there.  CBD (cannabidiol) is  NON-PSYCHOACTIVE. This means you don’t have the munchies, or the giggles, or anything crazy.  You get the medicinal properties of this completely natural product the earth gives us. Modern science simply allows us to isolate these properties and create CBD rich strains for patients. And here I am taking pills, which I hate, because some asshole in a suit (lobbyist or the actual pharmaceutical asshole) wants to buy a yacht and a mansion and own like 40 of the worlds most expensive cars. What’s worse is advocates aren’t even hippies! They are scientists, chemists, researchers, real doctors…patients.
Moving on, I take my damn pills because I have no choice.  I have quit smoking going on week three.  It’s tough, like I said, because when I get a migraine I just want to sleep and I can’t unless I take a full dose of Sumatriptan. And it’s not a restful sleep, it’s more like “curl up in a ball, close your eyes and hope for the best” kind of ‘sleep.’  I usually wake up groggy and with pain in my head but I will admit the migraine is usually gone just like it is with one pill and a bowl.
I’m trying to find ways to deal with my temper when it comes to my kids.  I love my kids and I don’t yell at them for no reason or anything but being buzzed does help when it comes to their unnecessary nagging and whining.  It helps me kind of tune that out.  So I’ve been short with them.  Homework time is the roughest part of my day because Skas i jumps ahead.  He  doesn’t read all of the instructions before he’s trying to complete the assignment.  So he gets it wrong and when I check his homework (because I’m an awesome parent)  and tell him to read it, look at it, “what do you think you did wrong?” He starts to cry, saying he doesn’t understand.  I just want him to find his own mistakes and correct them as best he can without having to actually point it out to him.  When he really starts crying and I get that he really doesn’t understand I have to consciously tell myself to calm down before instructing him to calm down so “we can figure this out together.”
It’s all about finding new ways.  It’s not easy.  Ever since I was 13 I have turned to pot for help whether it was to calm down, to help me focus, to find inspiration or more recently, help me deal with medical/mental issues.  My habits are deep-rooted so I really have to start dealing with my issues that I have literally hid behind a smoke screen (a good smelling one that also tastes and feels good).  I am changing, or attempting to change, my thought patterns.  Just like my nightly panic attacks, I have to tell myself to breathe in and out at a controlled pace.  I have to tell myself not to wish I could smoke and instead actually handle the situation, whatever it may be, without needing that type of assistance.  I think I’m doing pretty good honestly.  Of course, it could be better but I live in a real world whether I’m high or not and shit just isn’t always easy or smooth.  It takes work and determination and it also helps that I know that this isn’t a life long goal but a temporary one.  One day CBD’s will be legal in Texas; one day smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol will be more socially and even professionally unacceptable than smoking pot (I really hope that happens in my lifetime).  Regardless of what people say, pot is still a drug and it’s not easy to just quit like we all want to believe.  The first thing any type of addict will say is:

I can quit when I want

This isn’t true.  If you ever say this, you’re addicted.  The thing about marijuana is that most potheads won’t rob you just to get a dime.  They won’t mug you so they can get high that night and they won’t sell anything they actually need just to catch a buzz.  They also wouldn’t put their family at risk or harm them if they can’t find the money to get a bag.  You might have an attitude to deal with (what I’ve been putting up with with Kasper these last few weeks) but no one is going to get beat or die…unless this person smokes pot to keep calm, in which case that is another reason we need to legalize medicinal marijuana in all states in America.
So you might be wondering what the fuck kind of title this is since I really haven’t mentioned much about experimentations and deductions.  That’s about those nightly panic attacks.  See, I thought it was smoking too much pot.  But there are other things it could be.  It could be the fact Kasper and I drink a pot of coffee before bed every night, that we go to bed late, that I have a bad diet and other things.  Quitting smoking has provided me some extra benefits:

  • I get bored and so go to bed earlier, this sometimes means no point to drinking coffee at night
  • more money in my pocket which is always welcome
  • I actually eat better.  I know, you’re probably like: liar; but it’s true.  Less munchies means more room for better foods and I’m not feeling too lazy to actually make something to eat like a sandwhich vs. an entire bag of chips

Two weeks into quitting Marvel came back from a job out-of-town.  He came over that night and we smoked a bowl or two.  I had a panic attack that night.  I woke up freaking out the next morning.  “Noooo, say it isn’t so!  It has been the pot this whole time!” But, I also had coffee that night and stayed up late.  Kasper and I finally discussed this and narrowed it down to these three things, it has to be one of them. I don’t think he wanted to believe it anymore than I did. We are avid coffee drinkers, we go through like 3 pots a day.  It was difficult to tell if the lack of panic attacks those two weeks were due to no longer staying up late, no longer drinking coffee at night or no longer smoking pot. All 3 were stopped and then started at the same time. After this night, I had two more nights of panic attacks and those 2 days I had smoked very little with Marvel, also had coffee and also stayed up late.  I know, big set back.   But we didn’t smoke at night so it wasn’t adding up to me.
But then, we continued on with the not smoking schtick and I stopped having panic attacks.  But, I was drinking coffee. Yay! We can rule out coffee at night! This is great! So is it pot or what?  Hard to say since we wake up so early to get the boys to school; without smoking at night it’s easy to get to bed early.  But then…we stayed up late to finish an episode of Dexter (awesome show by the way) and I had a panic attack that night!  It was official! It’s not the pot giving me the crazy nightly panic attacks but staying up late and getting up early totally was! I had never been so happy to have a panic attack in my life.  So we deduced through a type of accidental experimentation that neither pot nor coffee had been ruining my life but a poor sleeping schedule has.  Just wonderful news.  And I feel better about telling one reader that smoking pot after a stroke has had no noticeable negative effects on me.  What a relief.



One thought on “Experimentation and deductions

  1. I get those “crap I just over stoned myself to death” panic attacks almost every evening. Ive also tried quitting the pot to see if that is what it is.. I couldnt find any difference, but I notice that my mood is much more affected by my anti-seizure meds (gaba) like you said. a couple HOURS of weird body zinging anger…

    Liked by 1 person

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