I guess he gets bored and leaves
Yeah, it’s not me doing the silent treatment unless you count that I’m not talking to get him to talk. Does that count? I’m a feminist, or I like to think of myself as one, but every now and then I think of what’s acceptable for women doesn’t always apply to men and vice versa. Women give silent treatments all of the time and men just blow it off like it’s nothing. I don’t do that, or I guess I have my own version. I’m an introvert so I tend to focus on hobbies rather than socializing. I get to spend a lot of time in my head this way. When I’m angry or sad I can’t be in my head; it’s not a safe environment for me so I either lash out or shift my focus outwardly. I can’t do my hobbies or little tiny projects because that requires silence and sometimes the tunnel vision/focus is dropped and I return to what upset me in the first place. So I do work. I do things that make think rather than just focus. I often organize, clean, do chores like folding laundry. I’m anal about laundry so I actually think about what I’m folding instead of just doing it with a blank stare and daydreams. Usually, I’ll have music on to make sure I am unable to start thinking of whatever upset me. Plus music is an awesome healer of moods and thoughts.
I guess Kasper was hoping his silent treatment would work on me but no, this time our disagreement is split 50/50 so I am just as upset as he. I could apologize but it’s not just me that needs to and I know he won’t apologize for his half of the drama. What really bothers me about his silent treatment isn’t that he’s not talking to me, it’s more that it is such a huge turn-off for me and I want nothing to do with it or him. I’d rather burn off my steam instead. I just reorganized my seven-year-olds room and the more time I spent in there, the more turned off I became by my husband. I kept thinking of Skas telling me last night:
I’m sad, I feel bad for daddy because you yelled at him
He said this to me after sneaking into our bedroom to see his dad. I took this to mean Kasper was sulking, ew. It’s so gross. What man sulks like that? I’m an insult to feminism because I still have this idea of what men are supposed to be/do. But is it men or adults? I can’t tell right now. Any adult sulking is gross and unacceptable in my eyes. When I get upset or depressed, which I am prone to do often, I go into my room cry it out, yell, sometimes throw or punch a few things and then I’m like:
Ah! I must do something!
If I sit around feeling sorry for myself I will spiral out of control quickly. This is the point I would have made in my latest post Let them be if I wasn’t so long-winded and lost sight of the post. I keep my family away from me because of how much they upset me. I am a dweller and it’s not healthy for me, my kids, my husband or my relationship with either of these people. The only way I know how to defeat this is to do something and not sit around allowing myself the room to become more upset and find new angles from which the latest upset can piss me off or depress me. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have thought about it way too many times. My best recourse is to simply avoid and move on. Some might say this is ignoring the problem rather than dealing with it but that’s not true for every case. Sometimes space and time is the best answer. It allows us to breathe and gain control and hopefully think calmly about what happened, is happening and maybe even what may happen with each possible next step we may choose to take. I found peace in deleting my mom and Stilla from my Facebook and not reaching out to them for any reason. Mom doesn’t call me anymore. Every now and then she will text me that she loves me and I always think, “what does she want?” or “what did Stilla do now?” when I get one of these messages. I have no time or emotional space to give her for this drama. It’s safer if I don’t respond. Sometimes I’ll reply with a thank you but usually I don’t even offer her that much. It hurts me but not enough to recant my decision to instill strict boundaries and basically sanction her.
Kasper spent all morning in our bedroom. I sat out here in the living room and caught up on the news (I don’t watch cable TV and prefer to read multiple articles regarding the same topic or story) and did my morning Facebook routine. I fixed my H.E.P on Excel, it’s how I monitor my progress, and I did some pinning on Pinterest. I even messed around on Tumblr which I don’t do too often because I’m in my thirties and feel a little old for microblogging but it can be a nice distraction. I kept to myself and was in a pretty decent mood. Then I folded laundry and while I was putting away Skas’ clothes decided to organize his dresser top, desk and I even cleaned under his bed. I decided to hold off on putting away mine and Kaspers clothes because he was moping around in our room but I will now that he’s gone (just let me finish this post). He came out to use the restroom and saw me in Skas’ room jamming out to some Joplin, bopping my head and singing while organizing things and next thing I knew, he was popping in his teeth and leaving!
I don’t know how to handle him. It was a petty fight from yesterday. I don’t even remember what happened but he had a negative vibe following him around all day and was very short-tempered. I tried to let him handle his own issues and I even kept my opinions to myself about his few outbursts. For instance, he had a headache so he went to lie down. But he’s so bright, he left the door open and the kids went rushing in there. I didn’t stop them, I had no idea why he went in there. He comes out minutes later with this pity-me attitude:
I can’t even lay down when I want a few minutes of quiet to myself
Hold on, let me get you a boat so you have a way to get across your lake of sorrow. I mean, dude, why’d you leave the door open? He said there was no point because the boys would just play loudly in the hall anyway. So ignorant. I would have kept them busy and out of the hall…ass. If he would just tell me what he wants, I can help him. If he keeps quiet and assumes things will just happen what the hell…? Eventually, I got fed up after a few hours. Who the hell gets upset about their kids’ toys in the living room in the late afternoon/early evening? Why would you yell at the kids to clean it up, get upset when they pick up half and start playing? I’ve learned a while ago it’s not worth the argument. Make them clean up after the day is over. Otherwise, it’s twice the work in the end. Again, I kept quiet. Is it best to offer your opinion on this, which in his view is targeting his parenting (yes, he has told me this before) or best to just let him handle it? I don’t know what to do in these situations.
An hour or so later, he asks me what my problem is. I was upset at a can of refried beans. Do you know how difficult it is to open a can with a manual can opener and one hand? It’s very frustrating and to top it off the damn opener was having trouble breaking through the cheap aluminum – the little wheel blade is dull or something. So I got pretty mad at it, was slamming it around (lol) and cursing more than just under my breath. Naturally, Kasper assumed it was something to do with him. It really wasn’t. My fuse was just shortened already from keeping my mouth quiet all damn day.
Eventually I told him that I was tired of his yelling and having to keep my mouth shut so I didn’t “insult [your] parenting style” (read that with a mocking tone). He tells me all the time when he feels I overstepped as a parent, when I yell too much, when I overreact and I take his criticism and try to use it as a lesson but for him, if I speak out, it’s because I don’t like him or think he’s a bad parent. Ugh. So irritating!!!!! I really thought he was going to sleep on the couch last night but he didn’t. I ended up doing one of those “I’m pretending to cuddle with you in my sleep because I love you” things after waking up from a crazy dream in the middle of the night but wouldn’t you know it, Skas woke up for an escort to the bathroom right as I started my cuddle move. And because I was pretending to be asleep, I couldn’t tell Skas how proud I was that he woke up to use the restroom instead of peeing the bed. He’s seven and still pees the bed. We are at a loss as to what to do about it.
So here I am, blogging about my marital issues instead of talking with my partner about them like I should. This is better than calling Mom or posting on Facebook about it, though. I’d rather not involve other people in my marriage, that never goes well. People are always so negative “Oh, he stood up for himself and wouldn’t take your unnecessary bad mood and attitude? Dump him, don’t let him see his kid for a few months, make him pay.” What? That’s not very adult, no wonder you’re on your third marriage.
I need to be more supportive of him, he is bipolar after all. It’s just so difficult when I have a hard time figuring out my own emotions and emotional responses to others. He also stopped taking his medicines the same week he quit smoking pot and when I tell him to go get his meds, he gets offended then sad and starts moping and sulking. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of apologizing all the time.