New Support Group

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I think I made it two weeks, maybe it was three, before I was removed and blocked from a new stroke survivors support group page; I usually leave on my own because I can’t handle the censorship or too many members make me want to make too many rude comments.  But in this case…some admins are just terrible people.  Stroke survivors are temperamental, sensitive and quick to overreact.  I’ve been learning this about myself and have been trying to teach myself how to handle this since the stroke; I’ve also been trying to learn how to handle this about and around other survivors so that I don’t offend them because it’s so effing easy to do. I obviously haven’t quite figured it out yet.  This chick had it out for me from the start, though.  It doesn’t matter; I mean, it does.  I’m on the verge of tears but not because I was deleted but because I’m not sure if I can learn how to handle these sensitivities.  How will I ever be social again if I can’t converse with people without coming across as rude or offensive? No matter what I say or to whom, I get those looks like

Why would you say something like that?

I just don’t get it.  I was fine, having good conversations and playing nice with others but this one chick… Everything I said she would come back at me with something mean.  I have no brain-mouth filter…or no brain-fingers filter and I can’t just sit there and let someone think they got the best of me with a stupid comment.  If you’re going to belittle me, at least put some real effort into it.  She got the best of me apparently because I apologized for my comment which wasn’t even mean or rude and she said

I was waiting for you to come back with something. Bye bye.

And then she removed me from a SUPPORT GROUP FOR APOLOGIZING.  I’ve never experienced this in my life.  I’m not an internet troll, I don’t go around looking for things to comment on but when it crosses my feed and it gives me a thought, I’ll put it on there though I try not to be rude. I go out of my way to check and recheck wording but with some people that’s just not enough.  Some people, especially brain injury survivors, will still find a way to be offended or take things wrong.  I swear this chick was working thrice as hard to be offended as I was at trying not to be offensive.
This is where I start dwelling in order to analyze where I went wrong and to be honest, I don’t think it was me this time.  I mean, I apologized!!!! How is that wrong? In my old life, I would have never apologized to a near stranger but one of the things about learning to be a better person is learning that your pride doesn’t belong in all conversations and sometimes you need to shove it out-of-the-way, suck up your drama and be the adult you’re supposed to be and recant, apologize or explain yourself in a way that others will understand.
I feel like an ugly fool.  I still have stroke-related questions, I have advice to offer and experiences to share that can help people as well as myself.  This blog is not going the way I had hoped.  I’m still not looking for an audience but I was hoping for at least a conversation or two.  I’m just not good at being a speaker (typer, ha!) and I ramble.  My self-esteem is easily lowered and my mind is too easily distracted to focus on one blog post.  It’s difficult to be direct and on point all the time. I don’t have a clue how people do it.  I don’t think I really care either.
I’m just so upset over my behavior.  I’m still unsure if it was me acting beyond reasonable adult behavior or was it her?  I’m inclined to think it was her. I’ve worked very hard at learning to keep my composure during heated conversations, yes even on stupid Facebook, and I feel like when you consider the things I didn’t type, I was pretty adult-like but this woman just let it all out there.  My head is still trying to wrap itself around the idea that this is supposed to be a person that moderates a forum for poor etiquette to protect members yet she doesn’t seem to understand etiquette herself. What’s worse is she’s supposed to be providing support for other survivors! If I was a new survivor I wouldn’t feel very supported with an admin like that nitpicking over every word and constantly threatening to ban people.

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Well, I have Puri loaded and a fresh pot of coffee, it’s raining nice and slow heavy drops outside and I’m alone this afternoon so I’m going to go hang with Puri and let this meaningless drama blow away.

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