There’s no pride in sharing that

   A couple weeks ago I told Kasper that I had been thinking of my family a lot lately.  Every time I randomly think of my family something happens or someone pops up. I share my “warnings” with Kasper and then my worry begins to fade.
Over the weekend I made a FB post about something random and my step mom, Louise, commented that my sister is returning to town.  My sister (Stilla) and I are very close in age but we never really became close.  We are similar with our temperaments but our beliefs, opinions and characters are polar opposites.  We butt heads after a few minutes around each other.  She lives a couple thousand miles away from me and I’ve got to say, our relationship has never been better.  Her boyfriend, Jimbo, is from this city.  He’s very close to his family and he was concerned about moving away about 3 years ago but he went anyway.  I guess since his dad has passed he wants to come home.  It surprises me more that Stilla would come with him more than it does that she’s coming at all.  The Evil Duo can never make up their minds about something and stick with it.  That Stilla is supporting him is bewildering to me! She never does anything for anyone that doesn’t somehow serve her.  I can think of a half-dozen reasons for her to come here if she were a normal, compassionate, considerate person but she’s none of those things. So why is she coming with him?  It’s intriguing but I have made a promise to protect the virtue of my sanity and I refuse to contact me mum and ask her…”what the Hell?” Especially after talking to Louise which ended with her forwarding me messages from my mom that indicate she has been lying to me all this time about Krank Ficken.  It seems as though she has been living with him but I won’t let that assumption sink in entirely due to the fact that she could have been talking about some guy I don’t know about that she has a similar dependence on. It’s not worth it to sit here and speculate over something I’ll never get the truth to no matter how forward or blunt I am about getting information…it’s not my business even though I feel I have a right to know if my mother is living and having relations with my childhood rapist.

   Right as I had started to fade away from the topic of Stilla moving her brood back to town, I was once again on Facebook and saw a picture my uncle posted yesterday afternoon. It was a picture of him having lunch with my dad.  It was a bit of a shock to see my dad.  He’s gained a lot of weight.  His hair is long-ish and gray-ish with some white in there.  He still looks terrible but the skin is not sagging.  He’s been clean.  I guess being in the hospital and forced to stay drug free has been working for him.  I’m genuinely happy for him.  Harley said he’s been sick recently.  Around the time I warned Kasper I had been thinking of my family my dad had fallen ill again. He had a blood clot in his lung so they moved him to a “real” hospital. What does that even mean? “Real?”
Harley updated me on everything, said he was felt bad for my dad but was happy to spend a day with him finally.  I then asked if I could share the picture he posted and he said of course as long as I don’t make fun of him.  This made me pause.  Why would I make fun of him?  I told him I had no such intentions and then he thanked me.  It all felt strange suddenly so I stopped responding to the messages.

As I went to click “share” a strange thing happened.  I realized I had absolutely no purpose for sharing the picture. What would I say with the share?

“Hey the guy in green is my dad.  I haven’t seen him in almost 10 years.  He looks sober finally.”

   I don’t think that’s very appropriate and I don’t think Harley or my dad would appreciate that very much.  People know how I feel about my dad and most know why so obviously I wouldn’t be sharing his picture out of pride.  I have nothing to say except mean things.  “Look he’s not all doped up!”  “Look, you can no longer see his bones!”  Sure, these are positive in an odd way but are they things you want to point out to people who don’t know him?  It would be cruel of me.  I don’t have any plans to allow my father back into my life but I am not going to insult him even when he can’t see it. I realized as I sat there staring at the little share box with his picture in the center that I just don’t have anything to say about him.  It’s empty.  I have plenty to say to him, both positive and negative but that’s for selfish reasons. I just have nothing to say about him.  I’m ashamed of him; there’s definitely not a whole lot of pride in the fact that he’s my dad.  I never shared the picture.  I downloaded it and showed Skas what his grandpa looks like.  He was not impressed.

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