I got a Facebook message from my mom this morning. I stared at the message indicator for like 20 minutes before I opened it. The only words I could see on the alert were:
Just wanted to let you know I…
Naturally; I was terrified. I don’t talk to my mother for a host of reasons. Most women I guess have “daddy issues” while I have a little of both going on but my issues with my mother far exceed those with my father. I grew up knowing about his destructive behavior so whatever he did that ruined any or every thing was of no surprise. The most surprising things about anything related to his corrosive personality were how long it took for consequences to have any real effect on him or how much hurt came or didn’t come to me with those consequences. Sometimes you think something will or will not hurt and it turns out the complete opposite. With my mother, however, everything was delayed. Pieces fell into place after years of her manipulating the puzzle. I always say my mom was a great mom but as a mother…it’s a different story. I didn’t realize how true a statement this was until I started to accept the idea of settling into my post-stroke self. It’s like I always knew but not on any level I could consciously comprehend.
Since Stilla moved back to town I’ve been worried about mom. I don’t want her to come back and I know she will eventually. The only thing that will stop her from coming back is Stilla moving back up there. She still has a son, Joker, up there with mom so there is a chance she will go back but I doubt it. She’s come to realize that some things are better left a memory; basically, she experienced what I feared would happen if I ever went back “home.” Things are different and not at all how they were when we were growing up. Stilla said Joker is coming down this summer but she only hinted at whether mom would come too. I want her to stay far away. Can you see why I didn’t want to open the message and read it?
I should feel guilty, right? For putting off reading her message? She’s me mum, after all; and she was just “thinking” of me. It’s not like she was saying, “just letting u know I’m on my way down!” Ha! That was seriously my fear! That’s very real for me!
You see my message above in response to hers earlier this month? That is typical of me to respond to her this way. I keep it brief, cold, emotionless and as lacking in any connection with her thoughts as possible. I love my mother, I really do but I can see why it’s difficult to tell that I do if anyone were to investigate our correspondence over the last 2 or 3 years. What I don’t like, love or respect is the choices she’s made to allow her to be where she is and the reasons behind them. I’ve been incredibly honest with her from the moment I’ve started to question nearly my entire upbringing. I’ve been straightforward and respectful and I’ve only been negated away from any truth she could hold. I’ve been placed in a position where I can’t tell fact from fiction when it comes to her. I feel like a crazy person, I really do.
I’m supposed to return these messages of affection and yet I’m still sitting here with no intention of doing so. I wonder what is her purpose for sending this message. To disrupt me? Because she’s feeling sorry for herself and hoping today will be a different day? Maybe I’ll have suddenly decided to accept her excuse of “doing what [she] must do” including living and sleeping with the monster of my childhood? I told her I would try to understand her place but it would need intense honesty and she fed me one lie after the other. What am I supposed to do with that? I can’t accept what I am not properly informed of. I cannot explain in any short way how confusing and twisted things in my head have become because of her. In order to protect her lie, she created a complex web of much smaller lies. She didn’t want me to know she lived with Krank Ficken and had lived with him since before my stroke. Why she told me her landlord was really Krank Ficken all along, I have no idea. She was dating a man named Faux Mike while I was in inpat rehab, around the time I learned her nice, old man “landlord” was really Krank Ficken. Faux Mike had coincidentally suffered a massive brain injury and knew a bit about what to expect during my recovery. It was nice to have this stranger to offer some info. I leave rehab and being around mom in the real world meant her privacy was more limited. I walked in on phone calls, I heard her voice lower when she said certain things, she talked with me more about Faux Mike and Krank Ficken and her life back home, her jobs and whatever else. Suddenly Faux Mike is sick and sent to a rehab a state away. Suddenly Krank Ficken has to help with her parents because Faux Mike isn’t there which was always suspicious that my stubborn , Pollock Grandpa would let some guy he didn’t know mow his lawn and clean his gutters…it made no sense to me.
After she leaves under the guise of needing to rush to her ailing parents side, I think nothing of everything she has told me. I’m not even bothered by Krank Ficken. I think it’s good he’s there to help my grandparents and her. I still believe she has her own apartment to go home to, her own jobs, her parents to take care of. A week goes by and I ask how my grandparents are doing. She doesn’t know, she’s still settling in. She has to deal with courts this time because grandma was found in the street at 3 a.m. This sounds serious, do what you need, fill me in when you can. She posts on Facebook a day later she was out on a motorcycle run all weekend.
Mom, how’s grandma and grandpa?
She doesn’t know. She’s going to give them another week, they don’t even know she’s in town
Let me enjoy myself before I deal with them, Kt.
I find out that she had no apartment to go home to because she shared one with Krank Ficken now. She had no jobs because she was working with Krank Ficken so I guess…I have no idea what type of set up that is. I ask her about Faux Mike,
Tell me if he’s real, mom. Things aren’t adding up, am I crazy? Is he real or was he Krank Ficken this whole time? Just tell me the truth so I can deal with it and move on
Now, reader, whoever you are, understand my relationship with her. As idiotically republican as she is, she raised me in a non-religious and pretty liberal environment. Sex, despite my painful introduction to it, was something we discussed openly growing up. I never had any questions because Krank Ficken was there with answers I wasn’t ready for but if I had any questions, she would have answered them. So, when she told me of her sex life with Faux Mike and how he “revived” it, it was no disgusting thought to me. Once I started to wonder if Faux Mike was real, it became a violating realization that she may have described her present sex life with my childhood rapist. What’s worse? When I asked her while I was in rehab how she felt about his past, she said he was different. His penis doesn’t work because he got ass cancer and the treatment removed his ability to become fully erect and ejaculate and that made her feel like she got her payback. No idea if this is real or not. If it’s not true, it’s one more lie on the growing deck.
When Stilla came back, after a couple get togethers I started to ask for confirmation. I judged the truthfulness of her answers not by her words but by every other form of language. Her facial expressions, breathing, body language…it all said she was incredibly stunned to hear that mom had lied to me about Krank Ficken. They had been living together since before my stroke and are in an active relationship though he treats her like shit. Faux Mike is a real guy but he never dated mom and he’s actually a bit older than mom had said. I want to doubt Stilla but is my family so crazy that they would double manipulate me this way?
Oh my God! How crazy I must sound! I hold all of this in for so long and when I read this long rant I am disturbed by how insane my family is! I will strive to remain strong and keep a guard up around Stilla so she offers no hope for mom to think I am weak and she can just waltz right over here like nothing happened. What the fuck is wrong with these people that they can act like this? Does it bother no one that this man molested, drugged, manipulated and raped a child? Does it bother no one that he destroyed an entire family just so he could be perverted with a child? Are these people really so willing to ignore all that he has done IN FRONT OF THEM and continue on as if it was all a brief lapse of sanity in his past? Who the Hell is this guy? Josh Duggar? I’m not the crazy one….these people are. I’m only crazy for continuing to try to accept them and their obliviousness while over-analyzing that same obliviousness. At least I’m not knowingly inviting a child rapist and master manipulator into my household and around my kids.