This morning before my shower I looked at my boobs in the mirror. For some reason, I wasn’t disappointed. This shouldn’t seem surprising but it is. I have a small chest. When I was a kid I was the last to grow a set of boobs. When I was about 12 my sisters best friend threw her training bra at me and said:
The 90’s were so awesome…
There I was, standing in front of the mirror looking at my boobs and thinking to myself with a quiet and supportive nod, “Not bad, woman, not bad.” Of course, things got better when I used a flat palm to lift a boob from the top to reminisce about my younger form. I sure was perky back in the day; there’s a nice little curve under there. I’m not much bigger now than I was before I had kids; I’m sure hanging lower though. I turned to the side to do my dreaded check of banana tits, have they come in yet? Women have such odd fears for their boobs, right? I had this aunt Betty that had severe banana tits. They rose up to a point like elf shoes. It scared me. In this chart they’re called slopes (lol) but I prefer banana. Positive note, I think I have a few more years before I will be in desperate need of more padding.
This examination of my body that I always approach with apprehension got me to thinking. Why have I always felt so pressured to have more boob? In my experience, females have always made me feel worse about my body than almost any guy had ever done. My boobs couldn’t have been that bad before; I mean, one guy even pretended to drive a standard on my boobs, he made the noises and everything so obviously there has always been enough to play with. It just took a little extra work to create cleavage.
I should have been proud of my girls. I saved money on bras because I didn’t need one with every outfit so I needed fewer than most women. My mom used to complain about blackheads under her boobs and sweat and hard-to-reach itches and I never understood because I didn’t wear a bra every day, had little weight in my boobs to press them into my chest in such a way to create blackheads and I had no need for a wire so itches were rarely more bothersome under a boob than in any other place on my body. I should have cherished this but no; I felt too ashamed for the “odd shape” of my body. I didn’t have the same complaints as everyone else, that meant something was off about me, right? Now I have these problems though I still have to do a little work to get some cleavage: like wearing a bra on the tightest hook to bring the ladies in for some tea on the deck. Blackheads under the boob is just damn awkward along with being ugly. Wire bras suck; when they start poking through the material, they leave bruises, wtf? And not only is it awkward to get to any itch in public that is under the boob, you sometimes push your bra up too high and have to yank it back down into place. This wouldn’t be so bad if by doing so you didn’t leave funny dimples in your shirt every.time.
I checked my Facebook after a while and while scrolling, came across this post with a picture: I suddenly felt a lot better about my boobs. The thing is that when I saw this the feminist in me jumped out through my thumb and left a comment. There were multiple comments of people telling her she is beautiful which she is. I mean, in school she was obese but now she has a better-than-decent body of a woman and her face is gorgeous. My comment went something like this:
I’m unsure what looks have to do with it though you are beautiful. If a man really is good, that’s why he has female friends. If a guy really is good, he won’t have looks on the top of his list of things to consider. Or money. Or popularity.
The funny thing is this: men liked my comment but not women and not only that, she deleted my comment entirely. I understand I didn’t comment on her insecurities directly but I felt it was implied. Of course, she didn’t say anything about looks but considering the 10 or so comments before mine were all affirming her beauty, I felt it was necessary to point out that looks aren’t all men look for in a person. Your personality and character will long surpass the life of your youthful looks so you better get to honing those character traits to help make you a better you. I’m not sure why things like boob and waist size matter so entirely to women. If someone wants you to look pretty beside them, do you really want them to want you? Do you really think that you looking pretty is about you and not at all about them? It’s pretty selfish to only want something shiny dangling on your arm and not something with true character and depth. I can’t imagine being the type of person unable to converse with someone I’m spending most of my free time with because there’s no connection other than their ability to appreciate my looks and my ability to stand beside a person simply because of the attention they receive. It’s disgusting and disturbing.
Back to my boobs, I feel like coming across this woman’s post confirms how I started to reconsider my views on my boobs earlier in the shower. I think women push other women down to reduce competition. We know, whether we know we know it or not; we know that both men and women love confidence in a person. It’s extremely attractive and it can be daunting because some else’s confidence can be a direct challenge to you. I stopped dating super attractive guys before I was 20 because my self-confidence, self-esteem and insecurities created jealousy and a strong sense of self-disgust. I backed away to protect myself. I just couldn’t stand judging my body, my personality and my tastes in things like music because I wanted to make sure they were “good enough” for some guy. Were they enough to keep him from turning his head to look at other women?
This poor woman…I thought she had an abundance of confidence. Her Instagram is loaded with pictures of her face or her outfits for the weekends in New York city; her Facebook profile pic is always changing and these pics usually get about 30+ likes…I’m lucky to get one like on any photo I post no matter what it is. There’s always people commenting on these photos and always in the positive. I guess it’s not her super high level of self-esteem that drives her to make these posts nearly every day but her hungry need to be fed compliments to keep her from feeling uncomfortably low about her self-image. I’ll take my small, low-hanging, nearly banana shaped boobs and anxiety over her type of low self-esteem any day.