I’m Not Stupid, Just Confused

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     There are a lot of changes coming my way and I’m trying my best not to lose it.  I’m trying to be an adult about everything but these annoying outbursts keep getting in my way.  I’m really unsure how to go about being an adult at this point.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I could always take the “easy way” and just be disabled and live that life but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  I could blame everything on my stroke, use it as an excuse not to progress further in life than I already have but that sounds like a waste of an existence; there’s got to be something more for me than this.  If not, why continue on? I’ll just become a bigger burden in the end.

     Our car has officially been totaled.  The whole ordeal has just been a mess.  I mean, everything shitty that can happen from wrecking your car “safely” has been happening to us.  I kind of wish I knew Kasper was useless in this area because then I would have taken the controls and gotten things started much earlier, and the yelling and crying that is my immediate response to everything stressful would have already been dealt with.  I still have no idea what I’m doing.

     It’s just been awful but luckily, we bought GAP insurance.  So this is where my need to be an adult comes in.  I guess when you wreck your car and you have the dealership, a finance company, a GAP insurance company, a cheap car insurance company, and a really shitty mechanic, you have to be the adult in the room and tell everyone to do their jobs because they’re not communicating with each other while all are trying to get out of doing their jobs!  Kasper is walking around complaining about his mom not helping and I’m like: is there a time limit on this stuff because we should get this done. Like, what do we need, what do we need to do?

And apparently that now means I have to figure this all out while Kasper pretends to make more phone calls.

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     Kasper is hurting for hours at work because this wreck totally screwed our finances badly; I don’t know why he isn’t crying along with me.  So he’s  finally decided that I’m right (what?), I can be home alone with two kids for long periods of time. Like I haven’t told him this or proved it by now?  Now it’s time for him to leave the back kitchens of chain restaurants and look for a real job that can help us get out of housing, off public assistance and help sustain us into old age.  Naturally, I’m thinking I need to do more than laundry and painting names on coat racks.  I’ve got to contribute more, I need to do something to help support us but what can I do?  I mean, I’m thinking as if I’m only physically disabled.  It’s a lot more than that  but I need to start thinking beyond that and into the upcoming future.

And then I’m reminded in little ways how my stroke has affected me.

     Initially, I didn’t want to apply for disability.  I really thought it would hold me back and slow recovery.  Kasper told me I was ridiculous.  Not much has changed for me since then.  I’m still disabled.  I still experience pain, migraines, nausea, dizziness and more.  But I’m at a point where I really feel like I should be able to do something.  I can do a front desk job, right?  It’s not always in front of a computer screen (which makes me sleepy after about 2 hours), and I can get up and walk around to stretch my hip and such.  But then, right around the time I’m really building confidence about regaining some independence, I have to make a phone call. I slur because of my nerves; I stutter and forget stupid things like  who or why I was calling.

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     I’ve been playing Game of War which is a massive multiplayer online strategy game– because that’s so much better than adulting.  I was into gaming before my stroke and now have to resort to this crappy, mediocre form of gaming.  I’m almost $100 into this “free” game and my alliance just crapped out on me.  I finally broke away from it because I’m at a point in the game where everything I’ve avoided learning out of difficultly is now totally unavoidable.  I need better gear, I need more might, I need my alliance to push the help button so I don’t waste speedups.  My new alliance is great with the help button but I’m unable to use chat.  You see all these people who go online because it’s easier to socialize there than in real life and I don’t have that.  I still have anxiety.  I won’t download  Pokemon Go because it might make me want to socialize and that scares me.  Who else is like that?  This game is magically curing people’s anxiety all over the globe and I can’t even look at the app in the Google Play store without worry and panic.  I’m a special kind of idiot, apparently.

     So, I have to do all of this stuff to make my hero a strong fighter, a fast-paced researcher, master monster slayer, glorified treasure hunter, and all this nerdy stuff I don’t understand.  Trying to think up the brief list I just made, made my head spin.  There’s so many menus, sub menus, things to remember, orders to follow, and steps risky and costly to forget throughout this entire game.  I’ve messed up so many times already.  I’ve thought about sitting down and writing lists of things I want to do and make within this game but that would take a very long time to sort out.

   I’m trying to get an example of how confusing crafting is through image search and my mind does the same thing it does when looking at my own game.  It goes completely blank because the rows of words and numbers in front of me are like symbols of a foreign language.  I’m sure they mean something but I have no idea what.  I’ll continue reading little bits here and there, following comments in chat, and hope I’ll eventually get the courage to ask my alliance to explain.

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      Sometimes I feel like I need a stamp for my forehead so people can know I’m not dumb, just not quick. Game of War is my way of avoiding adulting because of how confusing life can be for me daily and yet I still can’t escape the reality of my stroke.  It seems to be the hardest aspect of it all.  It’s everywhere! Affecting everything!  Everything is a maze and it’s like I’m always starting from middle.  I swear I’m not stupid but between the car wreck labyrinth and the convoluted game that fits entirely on my phone, I feel incredibly, intellectually limited and I have no escape because life takes a lot of thought when you’re an adult.

I really hate to give credence to the stigma, but sometimes when I break down because of my confounded mind, I just want to yell for understanding:

I am not stupid!  My brain is simply not as fast as yours!  If you could slow down and add a little more context to the content you’re providing me with, then I can catch up!

     But it’s scary to bring that kind of awareness to people.

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