It only took one day
They said to wait 3 – 4 days for a call. I was not expecting to receive a call yesterday afternoon. I was scared when I heard her voice– she’s from Asia, the Middle East, so it was easy to identify. I thought such early results meant the worst of the worst; but, luckily, it meant the best of the worst…? I’m still unsure how I feel. There’s obviously a lot of relief, but then there’s confusion, ignorance, and overall concern. Everyone tells me I’m paranoid, that I’m a hypochondriac…I’ve yet to be wrong in regards to my health, however. I’m falling back on my gut because everyone else can suck my D with their dismissive wags of the fingers.
It’s a benign papilloma. Ugh, just blogging about it makes my nipple burn. It’s really, it’s “nothing” but then again, it’s something? It’s growth in a breast duct and since it’s benign, there’s no need to rush into surgery. I don’t think there’s a tumor, one wasn’t mentioned, but after looking online a bit, sometimes tumors are deeper than the papilloma [?] I don’t feel overly concerned. Like I said, I feel relieved more than anything, but this doctor has a way of making the conversation sound littered with comfort even with her clinical tone and terms; then, she leaves with a statement that makes paranoia slowly ease its way into your thoughts. Doubtful second guessing, questioning, and overanalyzing never get a person anywhere.
The next steps
I call my GP at the end of the week– give them time to get paperwork together. After consultation with him, I’m then referred to a surgeon for strategy and planning. This was when I started to really wonder what is in my boob. It’s not cancerous, it’s not exactly dangerous… She could tell by my silence that I was in shock, I think, because she started to explain:
This is not urgent. But because you have two, the location, and based on the test results, you need to have it removed within the next year, or possibly two, before it turns into something. You could be high risk. Just take it out. It’s of no concern but get it out.
So you see where my concern comes from? It’s like it’s no big deal but hey, just in case, you totally need to get this thing removed from your body. How does one respond or process that, exactly? I only had one answer:
Screw the root canal
When I was 15, I had my first tooth pulled. They wanted to do a root canal but I decided not to after hearing the cavity doesn’t actually get removed. I didn’t know what a root canal was; all I knew was that I didn’t want to deal with the pain, or the tooth, anymore. Screw that noise. If there’s a chance the pain could come back, possibly worse than before, I want nothing to do with it. Take it out. Besides, root canals only seem to prolong the inevitable while allowing someone to profit off your hesitation and reluctance to let go. I’ve had three teeth pulled and I don’t mind– they’re all in the back anyway; plus, it made it easier for my wisdom teeth to come in. I’m taking this philosophy and my boob bumps with me to the doctor. I don’t play wait and see too well, and I definitely don’t get along with paranoia too well, either.
But on the plus side…
Because I have small boobs, I’ve always stayed away from sports bras. It looks like someone mashed bean bags against my chest and walked away. It’s unflattering. Tee shirts cling and wrinkle against the material. Plus, I’ve always felt too constricted in them. Having small boobs has its bonuses, however. You don’t always have to wear a bra, especially not one with wires; and, if you work out, sometimes a tight tank is all you need. The only time I ever really felt I absolutely needed a bra was during and just after pregnancy when my boobs were tender, full, and super round. I can’t imagine having big boobs and dealing with that daily.
They recommend you wear a sports bra the first night or two after a biopsy for extra support during sleep to reduce bleeding, swelling, pain, and so forth. And, I have to say…I should have given these things another shot years ago. They’re still a little uncomfortable but at the same time, not as uncomfortable as a wire bra. I’m not constantly rearranging my girls to sit properly on the padding, or pulling on the side of my bra to get the wire out of my side boob meat. I don’t look down and see half-full cups because padded bras only support under boob while the rest pools like liquid on top, leaving a big pit of disappointment for you to look down into throughout your day. Plus, since wearing these the last couple days, my boobs have been overall less tender and sore at the end of the day. Now I know what to wear on days I feel a regular bra is just too much effort and discomfort.
At least it’s not “the big C”
I want to know how many more statistics I’m going to be apart of before I die. It’s not cancer, I’m totally grateful for that, but I feel like this is just too close. I’ve decided to keep this news within the household. I don’t want anyone to think anything negative, or add anything that is unnecessary. I don’t need to be given falsely positive statements that degrade my situation because it’s not as bad as it could have been. I’m aware of what this isn’t, what it could have been, and what it still could be– that’s enough for me. I don’t need others to remind me in whatever tone they may choose to say it in, or the tone I choose to hear it in.