Why Leave It Activated?

There ain’t no positivity in the online life

     I recently reactivated my Facebook and I wish I hadn’t.  I feel like life was so much better without it even though I had so little [yet so much] going on.  I turned it back on, and all I see is negativity everywhere.  Trump, I have blog posts that I’ve started since, but can’t bring myself to finish because there’s just so much that I have to say; it’s too much and literally hurts my head to think hard enough on it to make a readable post without long-winded tangents included.  When Twitter was my only [active] social platform, it was reasonably easy not to dwell on the issues/policies he wishes to enforce that directly affect me. Somehow, Facebook changes all that and it’s incredibly irritating.

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     I went 6 months without Facebook, and lo and behold, when I return everyone is still complaining about the same people, the same stalkers, their same irritations.  Some things in life we can’t fix no matter how much we wish, I totally get that.  Sometimes Facebook is a person’s only place to vent, I totally get that too.  But if you have “stalkers,” why do you continue to make your posts public?  If you don’t care about these people, why are you thinking enough about them to post something regarding them?  If you don’t want the drama, why are you posting public, passive-aggressive posts directed at inciting them?

     There’s violent videos like every two posts on my feed.  Some are painfully brutal, some are somehow funny (like the security guard who can’t stand on his feet while breaking up a fight; or, the women fighting with their cars).  Pictures of beaten children with photos of their abusers beside them.  Video clips of the children in Syria being gassed and bombed.  The other day I scrolled past a man who fell off his bike and sat in the road, shocked, not realizing half of his face was torn open and resting on the bottom half of his face.  I’m not pro-censorship but sometimes I wonder why these uncensored videos are allowed on a platform like Facebook.  Shouldn’t there be a, “Are you sure you want to proceed” type button or something?  Some of these autoplay with the most gruesome scene the first thing you see.  The worst part of this?  The people who share them, or the reason indicated in the post.  I don’t get it.  Maybe it’s my age showing itself.  I did just find a fistfuls worth of silver strands in my hair the other day.

     One of the worst things I experience on Facebook is this land where I reside that’s in between jealousy and bitterness with a cynical sun on the horizon, and a pessimistic moon shining bright at twilight. It’s irritating, to say the least. Jealousy is such an ugly feeling.  It’s like indigestion after drinking a full pot of thick, pre-sweetened coffee that’s been warming on an element all day. You know where it came from, you knew it would come the second you poured that first cup; yet somehow, you kept refilling your cup like the discomfort was never in your future.

Support groups and fellow survivors can be unhealthy

     Where does the gateway to this awful place sit?  Why, in the support groups, of course.  I don’t know why I join these things.  They make me so depressed at times. People post these terrible stories; stories that include induced comas, not understanding words, needing feeding tubes, some even end up with Locked In Syndrome, and within 2-3 years, they’re walking fine, working full-time, driving, and living with their biggest complaints being migraines or fatigue.  Don’t get me wrong, I live with these things, and they’re not easy, fun, or worth dismissing.  But, I can’t help but feel a little helpless compared to these people.  I feel dirt poor, unmotivated (even though I work out daily now), lost, and sunken— you know it’s bad when you don’t feel like you’re sinking….  I know a lot of it has to do with their in-home support, a successfully working partner, someone working to advocate for them when doctors/insurance won’t help…but it doesn’t stop me from thinking to myself: Why the fuck are you complaining?  Why do you even need a support group? You have it so much better than me. It’s a completely inappropriate way to think and feel but there it is nonetheless. I stay in these groups because some times my experience/advice helps others; and, because sometimes I do need the support.  I’m still looking for a group that suits me more, hopefully one exists.

     Where do others get their positivity, and why?  Jesus Christ, I just don’t get it.  I’m 6 years post stroke and while I have hope about my future regarding my disabilities and residual effects, I like to think I’m a little more realistic about my situation than incorrect.  I have room to gain, to grow, to improve, and strengthen.  Will I ever walk without a brace again?  Wear flip-flops? Probably not; but will I stop working and hoping to reach those goals?  No; but will I act like my situation isn’t what it is because of my hope?  I can’t.  I have no false ideas about the reality of my future.  If there’s a point where my physical recovery reaches it final, undeniable period, I won’t survive the crash from that fall.

    I have this friend who survived a stroke caused by a ruptured AVM about 10 or so years ago.  Her physical disabilities are much the same as mine.  She has not improved much since the first years of her recovery, yet she’s always pushing me to follow in her footsteps in my recovery.  Why on Earth would I do that?  She gets Botox, it doesn’t help once it wears off [no matter how much therapy she gets], though I still plan to try it once I get a real opportunity.  I have heard and read mixed results about this treatment and I would like to give it a shot and see where on the spectrum I fall with this.  She gets neurofeedback therapy.  I’ve looked heavily into it but will only share the one link, let y’all decide on your own how to feel about it; personally, I don’t see where the benefits are for this.  I see where the idea came from– seems like electric stimulation, only, through the brainwaves?? It just…let me say, she goes every week and still needs extensive physical/occupational therapy and an active gym regimen.  She also relies on acupuncture, deep massages, and chiropractic therapy.  She doesn’t offer much hope in anything but her words and it’s annoying.  People like me, we need real evidence. Her true case, her true results, do not support her words about the success of these treatments. I remain polite, say nothing to her suggestions.  She needs to push out her positivity, so let her.

There’s no point

     All in all, I’ve come to this conclusion that there’s really no point to Facebook other than actively searching for validation in a way that is currently socially acceptable.  Or, we’re hoping to find something we can’t find in our own lives.  I waste so much time on Facebook, and I only realized it because I went 6 months finding other shit to do.  I didn’t do much productive, honestly, but I did notice my neck ache going away…

But will I deactivate my Facebook again?  Probably not for a while.

I might miss something

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